BPD & Me: Falling In Love On The Line
I often think my therapist loves my fiance almost as much as I do. Every time we discuss him in our sessions (which is an embarrassing amount), she smiles. Not because young love is adorable — we’re both over 30, so that ship sailed a long time ago. But because she knows, and she’s made me recognise how healthy our relationship is. It’s far from perfect, don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to brag and make you question your own partner/life choices. But it is stable, secure and strong.
Now, deep down I’m fully aware of this. But BPD has a horrendous habit of making you second guess every little detail of your most intimate relationships. People with BPD are known to rush into intense relationships, and are terrified of losing them — being left or ‘abandoned’. And my own experiences have been pretty spot on in terms of the above. Friends joked about how I had to ‘lock him down’ early on (make it official) and I talked about us moving in together within a year. After two, we were engaged with a dog and a rented house we couldn’t afford, full of mould and mice in Stratford. But we don’t need to focus on that bit. For some, this doesn’t feel like much of a rush, and I get that. But for me, it wasn’t just me looking forward to taking our relationship to the next level. It was about securing those milestones, adding extra layers of ‘security’ to the whole thing. God, this sounds like I trapped him like a serial killer, and I hope to god that’s not how he felt. I’m confident there was no pressure from my side, just open conversations and open doors. Because, in all honesty, a relationship — especially such a successful one like this — just feels like a ticking time bomb.
Because why wouldn’t he just leave? As part of my BPD, I’m prone to mood swings, impulsive behaviour, self-harm, fear of abandonment. (Ironically the thing most likely to push him away). And those are just my good qualities. So yeah, why hasn’t he left? Maybe I should judge him for not…
But in all seriousness, and I’m going to hate myself for saying this, as I’m also so oddly independent, proud, and a die-hard feminist. But a stable, loving relationship has done more for me than therapy or pills have, or maybe ever will. Sure, my doctor’s cocktail certainly takes the edge off, and I’m pretty sure my therapist is Wonder Woman, but there’s nothing like the support and love from someone who cares. I can’t say he understands, that would be a lie. I barely understand, and it’s my own brain. But he tries. And when he fails, he tries again. And again. And there’s something there that makes me think he will keep on trying.
I really don’t want the message of this to be ‘get a partner and you’re cured’. It couldn’t be further from that, and that’s not what I’m trying to put out there. I know there are times when his mom hates me, his friends wish he’d dump me, and he probably just wants a nice woman to take to see Marvel movies with (no matter how much I love him, that’s not up for negotiation). And all I can do is try my best to be who he needs and deserves as much as I can – Batman aside – and prove to those who love and care about him that he means the world to me. And my problems are a flaw in chemistry, not character. But no one likes the guy who brings that up at the pub at 1am…
What I was trying to say before I got sidetracked by thoughts of everyone hating me (which happens a lot = BPD, we’ve covered this) is that it’s about finding those relationships — with whoever — that make you feel safe, secure and heard. You don’t have to have seen them naked. Maybe it’s best in some cases if you haven’t. But if you’re struggling with BPD and are single, know that you are so friggin worthy of love. You’re not a burden or a barrier, and you’re not broken. If you want to, and hopefully when you want to, you will find someone who loves every part of you. Even the parts you don’t think are very loveable. Because a strong, happy, supportive relationship isn’t just possible when you have BPD – it’s yours for the taking.
Thank you for indulging me,
LB x
