What Can Men Do To Make Women Feel Safer?
If this sort of article is coming from a guy, for a brand or to be just shared on Facebook, you’re desperately missing the point.
Because, number one…
- Listen to women, and be quiet
We’re sick of being secondary in the narratives of the patriarchy. In the way that it’s women who are told to travel in pairs and never alone at night, etc. etc., we’re constantly the passive voice in the conversation of male violence against women. And drastic change is needed. A good starting point? Listen. Ask what the women around you want and need from you, assuming you’re a man reading this. If you have junior women in your team at work, encourage them to speak honestly and openly about their concerns re safety with zero fear of negative repercussions. If you’re a man in a relationship with a woman, listen to her distressing stories involving men, because I’d bet my right leg on her having at least one. Don’t see it as an opportunity to raise yourself up and your own tales of ‘wokeness’ and virtue. Listen, and be quiet.
2. Be honest about your past failings
We have all done shitty things we’re not proud of. What I’ve done in the past is still a part of me today, and the choices I make every day. And yours are a part of you. I’m not saying that you need to tell your Tinder date about that time you cheated on your first girlfriend. But I’m saying that you need to acknowledge and discuss the times when your behaviour towards women was bad in a dangerous sense. Did you become obsessed with an ‘unrequited lover’ and call her frantically, 20 times a day? Did you sleep with a woman who clearly had feelings for you, but then blew hot and cold? Did you make a move on a friend who’d had far too many drinks and probably wasn’t 100% sure what was going on? Have you ever laughed at a joke by a male friend at the expense of a woman’s safety (a rape/sex joke) instead of calling them out on it? You might not realise it, but these are all major red flags in terms of the safety of a woman’s mental and physical health. And acknowledging and apologising for these past behaviours is a good step in the right direction.
3. Call out your ‘friends’ shitty jokes/behaviours/comments
In line with one of the points above, if you’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. If you’ve laughed when a friend makes suggestive miming expressions behind a passed-out female friend’s back you’re part of the problem. If you’ve laughed at a male colleague’s jokes about a female colleague’s appearance, you are part of the problem. And, if you constantly find yourself surrounded by the sorts of people who make these comments regularly, 1. seriously take some time to reevaluate who you’re spending your time with, and 2. you’ve guessed it – you are part. of. the. problem.
4. Understand that personal space is real
One thing I’m grateful for COVID for is the fact that men aren’t allowed to sit next to me on the bus anymore. And that is really fucking sad. But when you’re leaving work at 6:30pm and it’s dark, and have a 45-minute bus drive ahead of you, that personal space away from prying eyes and worrying conversations is a godsend. Learn from COVID – personal space is good space. Keep at least two metres from women as they walk down the street. If there are empty spaces on buses, opt to sit next to other men rather than solo women. Close your fucking legs on public transport. Basically don’t give any woman close contact that you wouldn’t want from another man.
5. Actively learn about the concerns of women
And don’t just rely on your female friends to educate you. In the way that you shouldn’t put all the responsibility of learning about racism onto your friends of colour, it’s not up to women to constantly tell you how to be better. (And yes, I get the irony here).
6. Stand with us
Protest and campaign with us. Walk us home, without us having to ask you to. Ask us how you can be better. As mentioned above, apologise for when you’ve done something wrong. Remember that we’re humans in our own right, not because we’re daughters, sisters, girlfriends, friends.
Thank you for indulging me,
LB x
